Therapy has made me aware of many things I didn't know were problems. It's been confusing and overwhelming. In general, I don't consider myself to be messed up. But therapy makes me think that perhaps I am.
My current issue is how to grieve for something that never was? How do I grieve for something that only existed in my imagination? My therapist has suggested that I should allow myself to grieve for the mother I wanted to be/the mother I thought I would be.
Part of the problem is that I can't really remember what kind of mother I thought I would be. Most of what rattles around in my head is day to day failures. Not comparisons to who I wanted to be, but perhaps to who I think I should be. That's a never ending battle, no?
It's that perfect, loving, energetic and attentive mother. That bitch. She's the one I need to get rid of. The judgement, the expectations, the disappointment she brings. My task is to grieve not for someone who is gone, but someone who is still here, alive and kicking... kicking me in the proverbial nuts. Someone I measure myself against.... someone who is a figment of my imagination.
Yes. There you have it. I'm fucked up. I hate someone who DOESN'T EXIST.
It doesn't get any better than that... does it?
